If you don’t know what to say, listen to what your parent says about death and dying. If they bring the subject up, respond to them. Don’t change the subject.
Your parent may snap at you, stop talking, become dejected, or act in other negative ways. Don’t take it to heart or lose your temper with them.
For example, some people may start planning for their deaths but also buy vacation packages for a time after they will be gone. Trying to get your parent to snap out of the denial stage is futile. Just let them go through it and support them.
To qualify for hospice care, a doctor must certify that your parent is terminally ill and has six months or less to live. Many receive hospice care when they have stopped treatment for the illness and wish simply to be comfortable and as pain-free as possible. Hospice care may be a good choice if your parent would like to spend less time at the hospital and more time at home. If inpatient treatment becomes necessary, this can be arranged by the hospice. This type of care can also be helpful if your parent needs help with everyday tasks, such as eating, dressing, bathing, and walking.
Talk to your parent about their wishes. Do not make decisions for them. Even if you don’t agree, if after discussion your parent still wants that care, respect their decision. Decide what end-of-life care your parent would like. For example, ask they if they would like to be kept on life support. You should also decide what medical procedures your parent will agree to and won’t agree to if they are unable to decide for themselves. Discuss options with your parent’s doctor if you are not sure what should be included.
The person named in the power of attorney should be someone your parent trusts completely. The person should be able to make decisions based on your parent’s wishes, not their own ideas. Your parent should have a conversation with the person they name as their power of attorney. The person needs to learn your parent’s wishes so they can make sure all decisions are ones your parent would make.
For example, if they go into the hospital, make sure that you go visit them there. Go to doctor’s appointments or treatments with them. Go visit them in a non-medical capacity. Being with them lets them know you care and can give them comfort during difficult times.
Pay attention to what your parent says. Often, people try to tell loved ones messages or get them to understand something they may not understand how to say. Listen closely to what your parent says and try to get the message they want to convey.
This may include hugs or holding hands. You may put a comforting hand on their arm. Sometimes, a gentle massage can help them not only relax, but also feel connected.
You can also ask them if they would like to listen to music or watch television. This can often be comforting. However, some people don’t like noise and find it distracting and hard on their senses.
If you are not going to be the primary caregiver, get your parent’s permission to discuss medical needs with them.
Often, morphine and other painkillers are prescribed to help ease pain and provide comfort. Morphine also helps with shortness of breath. Medications can also be prescribed for nausea or vomiting. Dry skin can occur in terminal patients. Alcohol-free lotions and lip balms can help skin and lips, while ice chips or damp cloths can help with dry mouth.
Foam placed under heels or elbows may help prevent bed sores. Keeping your parent clean and their skin moisturized can also help.
Offer them their favorite foods if they are able to eat them. Don’t force them to eat. Some people stop eating when they are close to dying for many reasons. You may encourage them to eat, but never force them.
If they are cold, they may shiver, pull the covers around them, or have a rigid body posture. If they are hot, they may be flush or sweating, and they may kick any blankets away.
Talk to the doctor or local hospital about any support groups in your area. You can also look online, or join an online support group.
Talk to your family and friends. This can be very therapeutic, especially since this is a difficult situation.
You can ask siblings, your significant other, children, or other family members to help. If you or your parent have close family friends, see if they can help out. If you or your parent are involved in a religious organization, you may want to ask a religious leader for help. Often, these people can be great sources of help and support. You can also hire a home care worker to assist you. You can specify what exactly you need help with (providing meals, cleaning the house, medical care, and so on) and hire a home care agency to send assistance, or privately hire someone of your choosing.
