For example, they might say, “If you don’t want to move in together, that’s fine. I knew this relationship wasn’t going anywhere. ” This statement might make you feel like you need to rush the relationship or risk losing them. They may say, “My family doesn’t see what I see in you and I’m tired of defending you. I guess there’s no point in you going to Christmas dinner with us since you don’t want to do big gifts. ” They are trying to make you feel like you aren’t accepted so that you’ll do something, in this case, buy them presents, to gain acceptance.
Threatening self-harm alone doesn’t mean a person is emotionally blackmailing. They may be reaching out for support. A blackmailer may say, “I need this vacation to feel better about myself! I guess if we can’t go on the cruise, I’ll just spend the week at home. Hopefully I don’t get too depressed and hurt myself. ” In this case, they are trying to manipulate you into going on vacation.
For instance, they might use statements like “you never do what I want,” “you don’t care about my feelings,” or “my friends agree that you’re neglectful. ” If you know these statements aren’t true, don’t let the person make you feel guilty.
If you feel like you consistently need to go out of your way to help the person, it may be emotional blackmail. Similarly, they may be emotionally blackmailing you if they make you feel obligated to do things that really aren’t your responsibility, such as babysitting their kids for free, paying their bills, or doing repairs around their home. However, an emotional blackmailer will make you feel obligated to do things that aren’t your responsibility. Let’s say your little sister wants you to give her $2,000 to help pay for college. She might say, “It must have been nice starting college first when Mom and Dad didn’t have other kids in college. I wouldn’t know. I thought maybe you’d give me the money because you knew you had it better, but whatever. ” She’s hoping you’ll feel it’s your duty to give her the cash, even though it’s really not.
Let’s say your partner lost their job. They might say, “I got fired because you were always texting me,” “You made me late every morning because you hogged the shower,” or, “I told you I needed better work clothes, but you wouldn’t listen. ”
For example, they may expect you to listen to them vent about work issues, but they might cut you off when you try to vent. Similarly, they may expect you to drop what you’re doing to help them, but make excuses when you need help. Another example of someone putting their needs before yours is self-deprecation. For example, if you share an accomplishment, they may talk about how they could never do anything similar so attention is refocused on them. Listen for when someone tells you how another person does something, such as if your mother says something like, “He calls his mom every week. He must really love her. ” In this instance, she’s pointing out another person’s behavior because she wishes you would do the same thing.
Say, “I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, but I can’t afford to give you any more money. I can lend a supportive ear, though. " If they threaten to harm you, remove yourself from the situation and call emergency services. If they threaten to harm themselves, call for help and stay with them. You might tell them, “I’m really worried about you right now. These are serious threats. Let’s talk about what you’re feeling. " Although you may be afraid of what they’ll do, it’s unlikely they’ll act on their threats. Ignore some of the things they say to get attention by continuing a conversation as if they didn’t say anything.
Say, “I’m not understanding what you’re asking me. What is it you want?”
You might say, “It’s not okay for you to scream at me when you don’t get what you want. When you yell, I’m going to exit the situation. ” Then say, “However, I’m happy to listen if you speak in a calm, kind tone. ” You could also say, “I won’t talk things out while you’re crying, but I hope we can speak once you’ve calmed down. ”
Say, “If you threaten to hurt me, I will call the police” or “If you say you’ll harm yourself, I’m going to call emergency services. If someone threatens you, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation while you wait for help. Alternatively, you can ask a friend or family member to step in for support.
For instance, your partner may try to make you feel responsible for their happiness. When they’re unhappy, they expect you to try to fix it. Although it’s nice to try to cheer someone up, it’s not something you have to do, and your life shouldn’t revolve around it. Say, “I’m sorry you had a rough day, but I’m not able to change that. I would like to enjoy a nice evening with you, though. " Similarly, your child might blame you for all of their mistakes, expecting you to clean them up. You might say, “I’m sorry you forgot to do your project, but I’m not going to stay up all night doing it for you. "
Say, “I told you I’d leave if you started yelling. I’m going home. " If you call for help, you might also remove yourself from the situation. Do what’s best for you! It will likely be hard for you to maintain your boundaries, but it will help resolve the manipulation in the long run. Stay strong!
You might just limit contact with the person to cut down on the amount of time you spend with them. Alternatively, you might talk to them about it first. You could say, “I really value our friendship, but I feel like you’ve been taking advantage of me. I need some space to process my feelings. " Spend more time with people who are kind to you and who make you feel supported. If you do decide to mend fences with your manipulator, remind them of your boundaries. Say, “As I said before, I will call for help if you threaten yourself. "
Say, “It’s not my fault you forgot your lunch this morning. I’m sorry you were hungry, but you need to accept responsibility for your own actions. ”
You might say, “When you say I don’t care about your feelings, it makes me feel really hurt. I do care about you, but sometimes I can’t do everything you want. ”
Don’t immediately deny their complaints or criticisms. Take turns speaking. Don’t make accusations against them. Avoid pointing out their bad behavior to justify yours.
You could say, “I feel like you are trying to make me feel bad right now, but I haven’t done anything. ”
Say, “I feel like we’ve been having trouble communicating. I really want us to have a great relationship. Do you think we can work together to make things better?” Point out how you’re feeling in the moment. Most people don’t like to be called out on emotional blackmail and may stop immediately if you recognize it happening.
Love can be used to soften you up, making you feel as though you can’t say “no. ” Anger or apathy can be used to make you feel unloved and defensive. Criticism can make you feel like you aren’t doing enough as a lover, sister, or parent. Suffering (theirs) can make you feel guilty for not helping them have a perfect life. Helplessness can make you feel pity for them. Explosiveness can make you feel fearful of them.
You might say, “I’m not going to give you any money, but I love you and want you to feel better. Why don’t you tell me how you’re feeling. ” Listen to what they have to say, then share how you feel.
Remind yourself that you are not the one who’s causing them to behave this way. They’re doing it to themselves. Tell them, “I’m going to make us some tea while you cry it out. I’ll be back in a few minutes when you calm down. ”
Let’s say your sister texts you to say she loves you and thinks you’re a good sister. You might think she’s trying to get something out of you, but give her the benefit of the doubt.
For example, don’t try to control your child by saying things like “this breaks my heart” or “look how sad you’ve made me. ” Similarly, don’t break their possessions when you become angry. You might instead say, “In this family, we respect dinner time. I make time to prepare and serve dinner, and I expect you to eat with me at the table. ”
