Common red flags for troubled teens include failing grades, getting into fights or trouble at school, arguing with parents, getting into trouble with the police, and dramatically changing or isolating from their social group.
You might say, “I’ve noticed your grades are steadily falling across all your subjects. Tell me what’s going on. ” Quite often, teens feel like they are just told what to do by adults. By having an open conversation beforehand, the teen is more likely to feel like they have a voice. Therefore, they may be on board with any subsequent interventions.
Come prepared to the first session with any supporting evidence you have relating to the problem. This might include school disciplinary forms, academic progress reports, or any records you’ve kept at home of your teen’s moods or problem behavior. Providing as much info and background as possible helps the therapist clarify the problem and make use of the right interventions.
Limit your teen’s intake of fast food and junk food. Instead, feed them 3 to 4 well-rounded meals that feature fruits, veggies, whole grains, low-fat dairy, and lean sources of protein. Developing more positive lifestyle behaviors could decrease some of the issues your teen is facing. For instance, a balanced diet and exercise can reduce symptoms of depression or anxiety.
Staying in close contact with the school can also alert you to any sudden changes in their behavior, such as things getting better or worse.
Do whatever you need to keep yourself cool and collected. Try not to let your teen see you losing it, if you can help it.
Validate their experience by saying something like, “I can see this is hard for you. ” Reflect on a tough experience from your own teenage years and share it with them.
To create a more cooperative environment, you might brainstorm some suitable rules upfront and then sit down with your teen and get their input. You’ll have the final word, but they may be more likely to comply if they have some input on rules and consequences. They may not have a say in all household rules, but asking a teen “Which chores would you prefer?” or “What do you think is a reasonable curfew?” can help them feel more independent. Then, they won’t need to test your authority so much.
If your teen is struggling in school, you might decide that they need less screen time and more time for studying—at least until their grades improve. Though they may rebel against it, teens need (and actually want) structure in their lives.
Positive reinforcement may also involve ignoring negative or undesirable behaviors and only bringing attention when the teen is doing what they should be doing. For example, if the teen misses curfew by a few minutes, you might not say anything. However, when they arrive well before curfew, you might say, “I really appreciate you being responsible and making curfew tonight!”
You might say, “Instead of punching a wall when you’re angry, why don’t you practice mindfulness meditation, so you can learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions?”
This might sound like, “You seem to really enjoy drawing. How about we go to the store together and pick out a sketchpad for you to work in?” Think about it: the more time your teen spends doing constructive activities, the less time they have for destructive ones.
You can leave it up to your teen to decide which activity they want to participate in, but just make sure it’s clear that they have to engage in something. Participation in extracurricular activities helps your teen form positive relationships with peers and reduces the time they have to engage in delinquent activities.
Have a talk with this role model beforehand. Be sure the person shares your values and won’t act as a negative influence.
For instance, if your teen likes children, you might allow them to take on babysitting jobs after school and on weekends. If they are really interested in working on cars, you might sign them up for a mechanics class at a nearby vocational school. Then, set the expectation that they will only be able to attend if they keep their grades up, do their chores, and stay out of trouble.
Also, withhold any judgments or criticisms of what they have said. Saying things like, “That was silly" or “You did what?” can shut down the lines of communication with your teen. Let them know that they can talk about anything without having to worry about you disapproving or getting angry at them. However, you must make good on that promise—don’t lash out at them or act judgmental if they tell you something you didn’t want to hear.
It’s much easier to break through to a troubled teen when you have a good relationship. Dedicate some time each week to hanging out with the teen one-on-one and as a family.
For example, don’t say, “Why can’t you mind like your brother?” Instead, say, “Casey, you are so good with your hands” or “That was really thoughtful of you. ”
Sometimes, taking care of yourself might mean admitting that you’ve given it your best shot and letting others who are more qualified take over. Don’t feel guilty about asking for help from your family, the school, or community services.
