Evaluate the condition of the friendship. Do you care about your friend? If so, does he or she care about you to an equal or lesser degree? How important is your friendship? Look for signs of a weak or waning friendship.
Friends don’t get along all the time, but you should be able to feel that basically, you and your friend see eye-to-eye most of the time.
For instance, if you see a social media message that reads, “[Your name] is such a dummy. They don’t know anything!” you should not be friends with that person. Hurtful friends might also share secrets with others who were not meant to know them. For instance, suppose your parents are getting divorced and you told your friend about it and requested that they not share the info with anyone else. The next week, several other people who are not your friends ask you about the situation. In this case, your friend has clearly betrayed your trust and you should rightfully decide to end the friendship.
Friends will make each other a priority, and will be there when the other is in need. Conversely, friends who are not eager to spend time with one another, or who are only around when things are easy, are poor friends. Exchange them for individuals who are more willing to put themselves on the line for you. You can still be friendly to the other person, but think of them as an acquaintance, rather than a friend.
A friend who doesn’t apologize after you two have a row is also a narcissist.
Your friends do not have to be clones of you, but if you do not share the core values and interests as your friend, then the friendship has little common ground on which to build.
Do not make casual remarks about a problem you want to address with your friend. For instance, if your friend does not listen to you and instead always insists on doing things their way, be assertive and draw attention to situations in which your friend exhibits the negative behavior. For example, do not say in an ambiguous way, “I’m not sure that I want to go to the farmer’s market. ” Instead say, “I already said I didn’t want to go to the farmer’s market. I feel like my opinion is not valued when I am left out of the decision-making process. Let’s try to make a decision about our plans today together. ” Use “I” statements as in the above example, and avoid accusatory “you” statements in the form of “You never listen to me” or “You always ignore my feelings. ”[6] X Research source
Do not just ignore your friend and hope that he or she will figure out that you’ve decided to end the friendship. If you do that, your friend might be confused or worried about you. They might involve third parties like a mutual friend or your parents. They might also try to confront you directly at your home or place of work to figure out what you’re feeling or thinking.
Sometimes our friends have a hard time just coming out and telling us what they want. Therefore, asking your friend directly if they need anything is an important step in showing you’re committed as a friend and want to build a strong friendship. For instance, if you think something is amiss with your friend, ask him or her general questions like, “Is everything alright?” If you suspect a specific problem, you might ask, for instance, “How are things with your spouse these days?” A close friend will open up to you and confess they have a problem or are feeling badly. Some friends have a difficult time talking about their feelings or personal problems, though, and in these cases all you can do is respect their privacy. Being there for your friends in times of need is what friendship is all about. Remind your friend, “If you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here for you. ”
Of course, improving the relationship should not be a one-sided affair. Look for signs that your friend, too, is putting an effort into maintaining a strong friendship with you. For instance, if your friend agrees to make time to meet up, this indicates that he or she is still interested in a friendship but has, perhaps, been too busy with work and other duties.
Do not make excuses for your friend. If they did something wrong, they should admit it and apologize. Friends who do not take responsibility for their actions are not good friends. Forgiving your friend does not mean forgetting what they did. While it would be wrong to constantly bring up a past sin, you should keep you friend’s bad behavior in the back of your mind at all times and be on the lookout for similar behavior in the future. Their disappointing behavior might be part of a larger pattern. [11] X Research source For example, if your friend said they were going to pick you up from school and then never did, you might rightly be upset with them. If they said they were asleep and didn’t hear the alarm clock go off, their behavior might be forgiven as a fluke. However, if they consistently don’t follow through on promises they make, and consistently have a lame excuse, you should be confident in your decision to end the friendship.
Explain to your friend next time he or she offers to come over, or invites you to hang out, that you are a bit burned out and just want to stay in. Do not reply promptly to texts or messages you receive from a clingy friend, and be firm when announcing your decision to stay in (or go out) alone. [12] X Research source Even if your friend is not particularly clingy, you might feel fed up with them for some other reason. If you and your friend are constantly hanging out and doing everything together, or if your friend is just always asking you to hang out, you might start yearning for some privacy and alone time. Your break from your friend can last as long as you want it to, from one day up through one month or more. Give yourself the space you need. If your friend does not respect your need for a break, or becomes hostile when you suggest a break, think about ending the friendship altogether. A friend who does not respect your wishes is no friend at all.
Find a time when you can both meet and ensure that your friend does not have anything planned after your meeting (like going to work or a family gathering), since ending friendships can take an emotional toll. If you believe your friend might grow hostile or violent, do not meet them in person. Instead, write them a letter or an email explaining that you wish to end the friendship and provide your reasons for doing so. If your friend refuses to meet you at all, write a letter to your friend expressing how you feel. Write the things you wish you could say to them. You do not have to send the letter, though you certainly can if you think your friend would read it. [13] X Research source
Open the conversation with an acknowledgment that you have – at some point – enjoyed being friends with the individual. For instance, say, “We’ve had some great memories together. Remember when we went camping at Big Bear Lake?” Use happy memories and reminisce together for a few moments. [14] X Research source Move slowly into talking about the period in which the friendship started to decline. Frame it as a transition. You might say, “Ever since I started university, I feel that we have been moving apart. ” Use passive terminology to avoid placing blame on your friend or yourself. Don’t beat them up verbally.
Sometimes you can’t end a friendship on a good note. If the other person remains angry, hostile, and bitter about what you think or feel, or does not forgive you, tell them, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry I offended you. ”[15] X Research source Do not, however, compromise on your resolution to end the friendship just because they are angry or hurt. Remember, you are in charge of your own feelings, not your friend’s. Even if your friend reacts in an immature or childish way, you should not. Stick to the high road.
Don’t feel guilty for deciding that a friendship is over just because the friend has few other friends. You have to do what is right for you; sometimes that means deciding a friendship is over. [16] X Expert Source Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MALicensed Therapist Expert Interview. 29 April 2020. Try to think about it as an opportunity for you and your friend to make new friends.
Don’t try to “fix” or change your friend. Only they can change themselves. [18] X Research source While it is normal to feel sad after deciding to end a friendship, you should not obsess over it or let the memory of it cloud your judgment. Remember, the friendship is over for a reason. If you’re having trouble accepting that your friendship is over, talk to another friend or trusted family member about the situation. If you and your friend part on a bad note, recognize that you cannot control what happened. Focus instead on your future. You don’t have to forget your friend, but you can’t live in the past. [19] X Research source Look at each day as a chance to meet new friends.
If book clubs are your thing, contact your local library. Larger libraries in big cities probably feature multiple book clubs, perhaps catering to particular types of literature. For instance, you might be able to find a history book club, an African-American literature book club, and so on.
Don’t be afraid to try several different churches, mosques, etc. before settling on one. Remember, it’s free to attend, so you should go to as many as you can until you find one you like.
Do not tell your coworkers you know a great place that is quite close to your place of employment if you in fact do not.
