Autism isn’t a behavior disorder, but a different way of thinking. Autistic people don’t need punishment or correction for being different, but understanding and support. Unusual behavior often helps them cope and relax, so it shouldn’t be discouraged just because it’s different.
Steer clear of overly negative sources like Autism Speaks.
Keep this fact in mind when explaining autism to someone else. It is important to express that not all autistic people act the same way, just as not all neurotypical people act the same way. When describing an autistic person, emphasize their unique needs, strengths, and differences.
Unusually singsong flat tone of voice, creating odd rhythms and pitches Repeating questions or phrases (echolalia) Difficulty expressing needs and desires Taking longer to process spoken words, not responding quickly to instructions, or becoming confused by too many words spoken too quickly Literal interpretation of language (confused about sarcasm, irony, and figures of speech)
Some autistic people seem “lost in their own world” when they are caught up in their own thoughts. An autistic person might listen differently. It’s normal for autistic people to avoid direct eye contact and fidget while they pay attention. This helps them focus. What looks like inattentiveness is actually them making modifications so they can listen better. Autistic people can get overwhelmed in conversations, and look inattentive. They may be distracted, or maybe the conversation is moving too fast. Offer to move to a quieter place, and give pauses in the conversation to let the autistic person think. Autistic children may find it challenging to play with others, because it involves difficult social rules and/or overwhelming sensory experiences. Playing alone might be easier.
Follow a strict routine. Find unexpected changes very distressing (e. g. change in school environment). Use a comfort object to help deal with stress. Place things in order (e. g. lining toys up by color and size). If you are trying to explain your child’s autism to a friend, compare how their child may get ready for school. There’s a basic routine when getting ready for school: eating breakfast, brushing one’s teeth, getting dressed, packing their schoolbag, etc. Although there’s the same routine, some of these steps may get jumbled some mornings. A neurotypical child wouldn’t care if they get dressed before breakfast one morning, which would be outside of the normal routine. For an autistic child, these changes can be extremely disorienting. If they’re used to a certain routine, it’s better to stick to it.
People with stronger social skills may simply seem awkward and a little clumsy. They may have difficulty understanding what is expected of them, so they may say or do things that are surprising to you. Some autistic people face large conversational challenges, and may not be able to carry a typical conversation.
Never force eye contact. This could make them scared or uncomfortable, their conversational skills may plummet, and it could trigger sensory overload. Some autistic people are capable of making or faking eye contact without it bothering them too much. It depends on the person and their comfort zones.
Due to sensory and attention differences, it can be hard for some autistic people to focus on a conversation. The autistic person is not ignoring other people; they may be struggling to take part in the interaction at all. Teach others to make it clear when they want to talk to the autistic person. The person should be physically close, use the autistic person’s name, and preferably be in the autistic person’s line of sight. If the autistic person doesn’t react when addressed, try again, because they may not have noticed.
Some people will talk about a nonspeaking autistic person like they aren’t in the room. But it’s very likely that the autistic person can hear them, and will remember what is said. Remind them that “talking down” is always considered condescending. Nonspeaking autistic people should be treated like peers of the same age. Many nonspeaking autistic teens and adults use social media, blogging, or essays to write about what their lives are like.
When explaining this difficulty, you could liken it to the use of emoticons in texts. If a person were to text you “Well that’s just great”, you may assume that the person is being sincere. However, if the person uses an emoticon like “:-P” along with the text, which stands for someone sticking their tongue out, you would interpret the text as being sarcastic. Autistic people can learn to understand figurative language. Some are quite well-versed in the nuances of sarcasm and humor.
Explain that it’s best to be clear about how you are feeling. For example, an autistic person might not understand why you are looking down, but if you tell them that you’re feeling sad because your dad is upset with you, they will have a better idea of how to respond to you. Autistic people may not “know what to say” but instead go to great lengths to do things that help others.
Talking about the autistic person’s special interests can be a great way to connect with them. Some people might think this is rude, but since autistic people can have trouble figuring out what others are thinking, they don’t always know when someone is disinterested. Some autistic people are overly cautious about discussing their special interests, for fear of being rude. If that is the case with this person, they should be assured that it is okay to talk about their passions once in a while, especially if their conversation partner is asking questions about them.
There’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m tired of talking about weather patterns. Can we talk about ____” or “I have to go now. See you later!” If you know the person can be clingy, it may help to give a clear reason to leave, such as “I need to go so I’m not late” or “I’m overwhelmed and need some quiet time by myself” (something that many autistic people can understand).
If the person has a hard time with surprises or bad news, try to break it gently, and then comfort them in a way that works for them.
Some autistic people enjoy physical touch. Many autistic people will happily hug close friends and family members. When in doubt, ask. Say “Would you like a hug?” or move slowly, where the autistic person can see you and has the chance to ask you to stop. Never come up from behind to touch them, because you may startle them to the point of panic. Don’t assume that they’ll always feel the same way. For example, maybe your friend likes hugs on a good day, but doesn’t like them if he’s overwhelmed or busy. Just ask.
Explain that it is okay to ask about the autistic person’s needs in order to accommodate them. For example, “Is this room too loud for you? Should we go somewhere else?” Tell them to intervene if someone is bullying or tormenting the person. Some bullies will trigger sensitivities on purpose, like slamming cabinets to make the person jump or cry. If you see this happening, act quickly to protect the autistic person.
Example: “I’m going to close the garage door now. If you want to leave the room or cover your ears, go ahead. "
Rocking back and forth Repeating words or noises (echolalia) Hand flapping Snapping fingers Jumping around and clapping in excitement Singing or humming to themselves
It is never okay to shame an autistic person for stimming, or try to force them to stop. If an autistic person is stimming in a harmful way (e. g. head-banging or biting themselves), the other person can gently redirect them to something safer.
Autistic people often make lots of accommodations for non-autistic people: doing small talk, putting effort into facial expressions, making or faking eye contact, heavily analyzing conversations, reducing stimming, putting up with tough sensory environments. . . It’s hard and they could use a break.
If your child is autistic, it’s good to start young. It can be stressful to feel like you are different, but no one will tell you why. Young children can hear something as simple as “You have a disability called autism, which means your brain works a little differently. That’s why you have therapists to help you, why it’s hard to talk sometimes, and why you love learning about seashells so much. "
Encourage a child to see the good in an autistic friend, sibling, or classmate. For example, “Yes, Lola does have a hard time talking and dealing with big emotions sometimes. I’ve noticed that she’s sweet, and good at art. What do you think Lola is good at?” Help your autistic child to understand that their differences make them unique and special. Explain the strengths of autism: strong sense of logic and ethics, compassion, deep passions, focus, loyalty, and desire to help (social responsibility).
Help them understand that autism isn’t only responsible for their struggles, but for some of their best traits too. This helps them not feel sorry for themselves and recognize their strengths. Let them be themselves around you. Let them stim, love their special interests, and be quirky. It’s healthy for them not to need to pretend.
