Sit back at your next family occasion and simply watch. Notice how she interacts with her family members, and how they in turn react back. If you witness a lot of step-toeing around her and acquiescing to her, she is clearly used to getting her own way. Consider what happens when she raises a drama-filled topic. Do other family members rush to agree with her about how “outrageous” the price of child care/electricity/shampoo/dog grooming/car maintenance/etc. is? Do they confirm her quibbles as quickly as possible, thereby engendering even more complaints? This shows that they enable her complaint-filled view of the world and sadly, have long been used to pandering to it. You can’t change them but you can set a new role model by not complaining yourself. Notice what happens when you disagree with her. Does she pout, throw an adult-style tantrum or try and put you down? While it’s important to stand your ground on things that matter to you, if she does react childishly, you’ll need to learn how to manage this carefully. Learn not so much to disagree as to fail to agree––there is a fine line but it’s about acknowledging her underlying need (notice me, care about me, help me, etc. ) without buying into her view of the world.
Stay silent and there’s a risk she just thinks you’re dumb, awed by her or chewed up with resentment. Take your pick, she’s probably happy to think you’re feeling all three. And she’ll use your silence to keep putting across her point of view at the expense of yours. If you’re grinning and bearing it, you’re likely turning into a doormat. Argue and she probably thinks her brother/sister has married an angry, resentful and bitter so-and-so who hates her and will do anything to come between her and her brother/sister. You may feel as if you’re defending yourself but to her, it’s about you not caring what she thinks and possibly even about putting her down. This doesn’t mean there isn’t room for disagreement; it just means that the manner in which you realign her understanding must be done with care.
For example, let’s say your daughter Sheila has been running outside and has fallen over. Your S-I-L insists that she needs to see a doctor or something terrible might happen. You are quite sure nothing of the sort will occur and you know you’re a good parent but S-I-L keeps badgering you, upping the intensity of all the bad things that will happen if you fail to follow her advice. Offer your S-I-L a calmly spoken “That’s very kind of you to notice that Sheila has a bruised knee but I am thoroughly satisfied that Sheila is going to be all right; this happens all the time and is a part of the way she learns to cope with the great outdoors. She does not need to see the doctor. " And that’s the end of it, no need to enter into any further discussion. If S-I-L keeps trying, smile and change the subject; refuse to re-engage on the matter.
For example, “Georgia, when your sister talks a lot about how hard it is to fund her children’s private schooling, I feel claustrophobic because she doesn’t know when to stop discussing it. Given that we can barely afford our mortgage, I feel a little distressed at this kind of talk all night. I’d like to stop putting myself in this position from now on by simply acknowledging her problem but not letting her continue discussing it all night and I’d like you to help me do this by finding other subjects to talk about that don’t involve money. Do you think that this is something you can get on board with?”.
Remind your spouse gently whenever you feel that your S-I-L’s drama is being repeated in your house. You could even have a special signal rather than having to spell it out each time. Place a ban on gossip at home (or anywhere). Remind one another whenever it veers anywhere near close to gossip and shut it down. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are being gossiped about; you’re the bigger person for not engaging in the same behavior.
If you feel angry and want to send back a retort, reprimand or justification straight away, don’t do it. Treat your anger or irritation as a warning sign to sleep on the matter. Furious texting or messaging can only end in more angst on both sides.
If she friends you, you can do one of several things. One, simply ignore the request. When she asks you about it, tell her that you don’t use social media much to exchange important things (or at all); or Two, reply to her with a “Thanks but no thanks, I am not accepting new requests at the moment due to busyness/privacy/overloading, etc. " You might also add something like, “Besides, we see each other often and I prefer we talk face-to-face”; or Three, turn all of your settings to private so that she can’t see who you are friends with. Either say nothing or tell her either that you stopped using social media or that you only have a tight knit circle of followers and don’t wish to extend it at the moment. If you say you didn’t receive any request, she’ll only resend it, but it might buy enough time to throw her off the whole idea if you offer to “look into it” but let the “looking into it” drag on and refuse to raise the matter again); or Four, offer her a more neutral alternative. Offer to friend her on Pinterest and focus solely on a shared craft or cooking board. Nothing racy or mean spirited, of course. Try to avoid using the terminology of “friends” when discussing any refusal to accept her request. Unfortunately, the usage of this term by social media sites has caused many people to take it at face value; many people are simply followers or fans, not friends. She might feel devalued if you make any suggestion that she is being rejected as a “friend”. If she is already a follower of one or more of your networking sites, you might consider blocking her and turning your pages private on some sites. Most probably you will need to explain what has happened (with a sound excuse); if she’s a drama queen, she’ll not only notice but she’ll take offense too.
Spend less time around your S-I-L. In what ways are you putting yourself in her pathway? While it may feel like you have to put up with her, you can find ways to reduce the time spent together. For example, ask other family members to meet you at different times than when she is around, more often than not. Don’t always do this, or she will have a legitimate cause for complaining, but time spent with other family members shouldn’t always involve her presence. If you live far away and have to visit once a year, stay in your own accommodation to give yourself respite. Take walks, get outside and don’t overstay any welcome when it comes to drawn-out family events that press your buttons. Families know the pressure points better than anyone and unfortunately, some like to press them. At such events, your S-I-L probably has alliances that she can set in train to be even more effective, so the less time spent near such complaint-prone cliques, the better.
