This doesn’t excuse bad behavior. But it can help you understand it, and feel less afraid of it.
“Thanks. I’ll think about it. " “Yeah, uh huh. So how was your day?” “I’m not interested in talking about that right now. " “This isn’t a debate I’m comfortable having. So, how is your work?” “Thanks, but I’m not looking for advice. " “Please don’t comment about my body/disability/political stance/relationship status. I don’t like it. " “This conversation is uncomfortable. Let’s change the subject. "
“I see that you’re angry. Is there anything I can help you with?” “Clearly you aren’t satisfied with my work performance. Maybe we could talk about constructive strategies for making things better?”
If the person is raving about how hard their family life is and they mention a spouse and children, you could ask how old the children are, or how their spouse is doing. If someone is complaining about how they are never appreciated at work, you could ask what their last project they did was, then empathize that it must have been difficult.
“Perhaps you got bad information. " “It’s unlikely that I misfiled anything. I make a habit of checking twice. I don’t think it’s here. " “I rarely use the microwave, and when I do, I usually put a napkin over my food to prevent spattering. I don’t think I am the one who made the mess that you are angry about. "
“Yes, it’s true that ________. However, ________. " For example, “I know that Peta campaigns for animal rights, which I think is a fantastic cause. Unfortunately, they don’t have a great track record. Their shelters have a very high kill rate, and I don’t support that. "
“Maybe I didn’t explain myself well, and my words were confusing. Let me see if I can talk you through it. " “The regulations are very confusing. I got mixed up all the time when I was new. It takes practice to get used to them. " “I understand if you thought that Autism Speaks was a legitimately helpful charity. They spend lots of money on giving people that impression, and they’re very good at it. "
“Please don’t hug me. I don’t like hugs. " “Don’t talk over me. “[11] X Research source “I can’t stay late. I already have plans. " “Please let me be. " “Stimming helps me focus, and my IEP says I can do it. "
“You might be right. " “Yes, that’s true. " “That’s possible. " “Yes, I can tell. " “Yes, I see that you think _______. "
“Can we slow down? I need time to think. " “I’m confused. Could you repeat it, more slowly?” “I don’t want to decide right away. I need to think. "
“I need some air. " “I’ll get back to you about that. " “I need to think. " “Let’s talk about this later. " “I need some quiet time. " “Maybe we both need a break so we can approach this with a fresh perspective. Let’s talk tomorrow/tonight/later/at dinner. "
“I’m surprised that a nice/thoughtful/respectful person like you would make a comment like that. " “I know that acceptance is an important value for you, and it is for me too. I find your remarks deeply upsetting. " “I made friends with her because she’s a person just like anyone else. I don’t discriminate like that. "
“That’s really cruel/ableist/racist/sexist/etc. Please don’t say things like that in front of me anymore. " “I love you, and I know you love me too. I wonder why you choose to keep on hurting me with these ‘jokes. ‘” “Please don’t tell these ‘jokes’ in my presence. It’s creating a rift between us, and I want to have a good relationship with you. " “My rules apply to my car, and the r-word is not allowed in my car. You can either stop saying that around me, or you can walk to work. "
Write the note, let it sit for a few hours or a day, and then come back to it and edit or re-write it. Ask a trusted mentor for help if you want to.
“Okay. " “Wow. " “No. " A cold stare
“I can’t hang out. I already have plans. " (It’s okay if those plans are reading a book in your pajamas. You don’t need to specify. ) “I haven’t felt like hanging out much. " (if they ask why you’re distant) “I’ve asked you to stop making hurtful remarks in front of me, and you’ve kept doing it. It has been really upsetting to me, so I decided to keep my distance. "
“Please stop flirting with me. I’m flattered, but not interested. " “When I’m in my room with the door shut, it means I need quiet time, so please let me be. When I am energetic enough to talk to you, I’ll open the door or come out. " “I’m disabled. I can’t do that safely. Please don’t pressure me. "
“I’m in my room right now, and I really need to focus on my work. When I am done, I’ll come find you. " “I have 15 minutes to talk. What’s up?” (15 minutes later) “Okay, I need to go now. It was nice talking to you. "
“I know you’re struggling, and that really stinks. Right now, I need to be the friend who can distract you with cute cat videos. " “I know things are really hard for you. I’m worried about you, and I think it might help you to see a mental health professional to get some expert help. " “We’ve talked about this at length, and you already know what I’m going to say. I’m getting exhausted, and your situation isn’t getting better. Maybe you should talk to an expert. " (for long venting/rants) “I’m sorry, I’m getting lost. Could you sum it up in 3 sentences to help me understand?”
The broken record technique can be particularly useful. Be polite at first. But if they continue, you don’t need to be “nice” and demure. Be loud, clear, and direct. Don’t be afraid of other people seeing what’s going on. The rude person’s actions are the problem, not your demanding that they stop it.
If they touch you unexpectedly, visibly startle and yelp. Cringe and draw back from them. [24] X Research source If you see them coming, say “Don’t touch me! I don’t like it!” and push their hands away. If you’re being harassed, wail for them to stop it, or let yourself begin crying. Loudly and visibly. If someone is scaring you, cry “I’m scared!” or “You’re scaring me!”
Explain what the person is doing to you, and how it makes you feel. Describe what you have said to the person, to try to make them stop. Explain that the person has not stopped. Talk about how it is negatively affecting you. Ask the person to help you deal with this. The appropriate response is for the authority figure to take steps to make the person stop it. If the authority figure dismisses you, then they are not doing what they should. Ask a different authority figure.
“I’ve noticed that ______. It’s sometimes hard for me to read social cues– is there something I need to know?"[25] X Research source
“I don’t know what I was thinking. " “I messed up. I’m sorry. " “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. " “It’s my fault. I wasn’t thinking. "
“How can I make this up to you?” “Would it help if I _______ for you?”
If you don’t understand why someone says your action was a mistake, ask “I’m confused. I don’t get why it’s wrong, and I want to understand. Could you explain it to me?”
High stress in conflict Fight-flight-or-freeze mechanism kicking in Difficulty processing speech or conversations (especially under stress) Anxiety disorders Effects of compliance training Complex PTSD
“Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered. " “I need time to think. " “Thanks, but I can’t make it this time. " “Excuse me, I’m next in line. " “Could you please turn down your music a little?”
WikiHow has an article category for assertiveness/self esteem. Many websites discuss assertiveness techniques. Check out this article’s citations, and try finding some sites on your own. Look at your local library for assertiveness books. Buy a book if you want to study it over a longer period.
“When the teacher isn’t looking, Natalie calls me the r-word and mimics my stimming with an exaggerated grimace. Sometimes other people laugh. I asked the teacher for help, and he did nothing. It’s hurting my ability to feel comfortable and concentrate in class. Can you help me?” “I’m not happy with how the discussion went. I can debate well enough, but I rely on professors to moderate things and keep rudeness and disrespect out of the conversation. Next time he starts interrupting me, what should I do?"[29] X Research source
It’s especially important to get help if the conflict is a repeating one, such as a coworker continuously belittling you for several weeks. If the mentor doesn’t take you seriously or gives advice that doesn’t feel right, try asking a different person, or relying on your own judgment. People like to feel helpful and wise. You aren’t being a bother by asking for help.
