This includes how often you have sex. Different people have different sex drives. [2] X Expert Source Jacqueline HellyerLicensed Psychosexual Therapist Expert Interview. 15 October 2021. It’s up to you and your spouse to decide on a frequency that you’re both satisfied with. Sometimes, your sex drive won’t match up with your spouse’s—especially if you’re together for a long time. Talk about it and find a compromise that works for both of you.
Having children can take a huge toll on your sex life. Both of you are likely exhausted, and it’s hard to get any private time with a little one running around. [4] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source
Routine non-sexual physical touch Explicit boundaries limiting family involvement in your life as a couple Regular verbal reassurances, compliments, and expressions of love Weekly date nights, fun, and playful interactions Meaningful conversations with each other[6] X Expert Source Jacqueline HellyerLicensed Psychosexual Therapist Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
Basic dates are fine—do things that you both enjoy. If you want to do dinner and a movie, there’s nothing wrong with that. The point is for the two of you to spend time together. Put your phones away on date night so you can spend quality time together. If you have small children and need to check in periodically, schedule specific check-in times, such as just before they go to bed.
Share things you’re interested in with your spouse. If you find something that neither of you knew about before, you can learn together. [10] X Expert Source Jacqueline HellyerLicensed Psychosexual Therapist Expert Interview. 15 October 2021. Masturbation is another way for you to learn about your own body and what kinds of touches and sensations bring you pleasure.
Check out books, articles, and videos for inspiration on different things to try. Even porn, novels, and erotica can give you some ideas. Plenty of these things are available online for free, so no one has to know but you and your spouse. Remember that the concept of consent is still important even when you’re married. If you’re doing something new, check in with each other regularly to make sure you’re both still having fun. You might also consider having a safe word that stops the scene immediately if either of you is feeling uncomfortable.
For example, you might send the kids out to check the mail or take out the trash. They’ll probably only be gone for a minute or two, but that’s plenty of time to do a little making out.
For example, you might get into bed naked and curl up next to your spouse, pressing your body against theirs. Sometimes, this is all you need to let them know that you’d like to have sex. Don’t take it personally if you try to initiate sex and your spouse simply isn’t in the mood. You probably remember a time when the roles were reversed—these things happen. The last thing you want to do is get mad at them or try and force the issue. If your spouse isn’t interested in having sex, simply cuddle with them or explore other ways to be physically intimate.
How this looks will be different for every couple, so embrace whatever gets you and your spouse going. Maybe it’s candlelight and some soft, sexy music, but it could just as easily be a hockey game on TV and you wearing a hockey jersey and nothing else.
For example, suppose you read an article that says married couples with great sex lives have sex twice a week. You and your spouse only have sex once every other week. Does that frequency work for you? Are you both satisfied? Then you’re fine! This might also mean making a joint decision to stop watching porn. If you find that you’re constantly comparing your performance to porn actors and feeling as though you fall short, just turn it off.
Exercise also helps improve your self-image and gives you more confidence in the way your body moves. This doesn’t mean exercise is a cure-all, but if you lead a mostly sedentary life, becoming more active can change your sex life for the better.
This doesn’t mean that you’re coming on to your spouse or making lewd comments constantly. Instead, talk about sex more generally, the same way you talk about your favorite sports or hobbies. If you’re reading articles about human sexuality and learning more about pleasure, you might share these articles with each other and discuss them.
Nonsexual touch bridges the gap between your sex life and your everyday life. When the two of you are used to touching each other a lot, you don’t have to worry as much about transitioning into sex. Being physically intimate can also make it a lot easier and less awkward to try new sexual things. If this isn’t normal for you, start slow. You’ll gradually feel more comfortable with it.
Try to come up with at least one thing a day that you can compliment your spouse on. Maybe it’s their patience with your children or how they always make the best coffee. Whatever it is, make it something that’s specific to them.
You can increase mental and emotional intimacy simply by having an open and honest conversation with your spouse once a week. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, it’ll help you feel closer to each other. A lot of mental and emotional intimacy comes from getting to know each other and being vulnerable around each other. If you’ve been married for a while, you might feel like you already know your spouse, so you’ve stopped making an effort to get to know them or ask them questions. Trying something new, like learning a new hobby together, can help you see each other in a new light.
You don’t have to travel far—in fact, you don’t even have to leave your own town. If distant travel doesn’t suit your schedule or your budget, book a single night in a local hotel and make a pact with each other to leave everyday life at the door.
A therapist can help if you have a mental issue or trauma in your past that’s making sex difficult for you in some way. If the problem is related to your relationship with your spouse, couple’s therapy can help. Your doctor can help you with medical issues. But even after those issues are resolved, it’s normal to have lingering thoughts or worries that can make sex difficult. A therapist can help with these as well.
